DVD Review (Posted on 12-08-2017)
The pictures of this DVD is not a bootleg whatsoever, as you've landed on the network
-approved review: The Onion Movie
! Being that this snuck through the rug, not even my fellow movie buffs knew about the release of this film. However, they do know about the popular and hilarious satirical website The Onion
, as do I, let alone most of you, and this is their shot producing a full-motion feature film.
Okay....now for the review. As much as I love to talk about it, mentioning the funny parts of the film is enough to spoil it. Does that mean it's bad? Not at all. I'll get it out of the way: This film is perfect for those who love dark humor and offensive comedy with profanity. I didn't care because I sure as heck laughed a lot! This film was released, on DVD, in 2008. The story behind the release of this film involved folks behind the idea of the movie backing out, thus directing this movie straight to DVD release. Maybe that's why not very many people know about this movie (now you do, thanks to this review!).
The film gives the feel that you're watching a cable news channel, filled with its own [hilarious] informercials, movie trailers and stupidly funny news reports which The Onion
is known for. Interspersed with those scenes are the actual acting, where reporter Norm Archer
feels the pressure when he has to plug in a promotion to entice sponsors for their news show. Not too bad, but this movie has enough shock, jaw-dropping jokes and O-M-G moments that's guaranteed to raise eyebrows or get you off your seat.
Again, I really want to tell you the parts of the movie, but it'll kill the mystique of the punchlines done. Instead, I'll say this: The film makes fun of and jokes about bubble gum pop stars, CompUSA, racial profiling, terrorism, drug addicts, family values and celebrity roasting, to name some. The deleted scenes and outtakes are hilarious but unbelievable. There's this nun that....oh crap, almost mentioned it.
What else more can I say? Even though I'm not much for dark comedy, I still laughed and enjoyed this movie. Films like this need
to flourish, given that we currently live in a society that gets butthurt over the littlest things. Even so, when a picture/video is taken, some bored individual misinterprets that medium, speaks their minds out and say how unjust and unethical it is. Why? Not everything is meant to be taken in the wrong context. There are times where we just live and let live, and if it doesn't involve you, don't butt in to someone else's business.
Having said that, this makes the perfect film to make SJWs—Social Justice Warriors—crap their pants and make their heads explode. That's how wildly offensive and dark this movie is. When I thought about that, the more I felt good watching this. I miss the times when comedians, writers and actors did their thing and we all had a good laugh, then moved on with our lives. Nowadays it's watching what you say, do or post because it'll get recorded, making the perfect fodder for memes via screenshots, while the creator/author receives endless belittling from the Internet. When were SJWs allowed to use the Internet and have a voice where we take in their commands behind their protests/boycotting? Hint: They shouldn't. All that was the sole reason why I wanted to watch and review this movie on our website.
Don't believe me, huh? Ready to condemn this movie as super, mega offensive to the point where everyone is shocked by the nature of the film's dialogue? Let me share a couple of quotes from the movie, which I liked most:
"You know, man, violence is almost never necessary. I admit, I've punched thousands upon thousands of cocks in my life, but I've never killed anyone. Because no matter what your religion might be, no matter what your politics might be, no matter how much money is involved, there's never any reason to take human life. Human life is the most precious thing there is."
— Steven Seagal
"As a matter of fact, I think we've all learned a few things in the past 90 minutes. We've learned that Irishmen have huge nipples; We've learned that film critic intellectuals are a bunch of gaywads. And most of all, we've learned that creeping corporate influence over the news...protects us from terrorism."
— Norm Archer
While I mentioned that there isn't much of a deep meaning behind this movie, the statement Norm Archer was trying to make is sometimes, we just need a good laugh to deter us away from the harsh, pessimism reported by the media. Granted, not everyone will find this movie funny, but nevertheless, a good laugh should suffice to get you through. Nobody likes drama....and SJWs.
Now that you, the viewers and fans, know about this film, GO CHECK IT OUT! We need this film to get recognized and puncture through the sensitive yet illogical actors, producers and critics who think their opinion(s), and suggestions for a "good" movie, matters. Keep planning those strikes, protesting in demand for higher pays from network executives. I want to see this film get known to the masses.
When it does, I want to lay down my ideas related to this film:
- Record a "React Video" when watching this movie, especially showing this film to thin-skinned individuals you might know.
- Create offensive memes from this film to torment the unsuspecting online user (nothing new, but I wrote it here as a reminder).
- Popular film reviewers on YouTube, like Cinemassacre, to take a shot and review this film.
- Since a lot has happened between 2008 up to this year, 2017, hope that The Onion will produce a second movie.
(I'm not kidding about the producing of a second movie. Make it a sequel or prequel, it doesn't matter, just keep the dark and offensive humor with it.)
This is one of the few films that I'm absolutely sure networks like Comedy Central
wouldn't have the guts to air. The executives of various networks, who I'm sure are reading this since you people in the entertainment industry seem to be intrigued by what I've managed to have and talk about here on this website, fear about the response from viewers and the likelihood of a boycott against their broadcasts if they air this movie. Why is that? Easy: today's people are too sensitive and create controversial issues out of nothing. That doesn't say much since this movie is entitled, and guaranteed, to shock and offend. However, it's a movie—a comedy movie. You don't have to watch it if you don't want.
Will saying that go anywhere? Yes. Why? There's one scene featured here that I forgot to mention, where the writers dared to tackle making fun of: rape. Yes, this movie makes a rib-breaking scene joking about rape. While many comedians admit and confessed finding middle ground when it comes to racist jokes, political jokes and inappropriate sexual reenactments (say hi to Andrew "Dice" Clay
, everyone), very few comedians in the business have sort of struggled making an audience laugh when it comes to rape jokes. That was why I mentioned SJWs, and mentioning network executives unable to add this film to their line-ups because of that very scene. You be the judge for that.
Because this film has enough to make the unaware majority drop to their knees, I still found it amazingly funny. The plot isn't much, but this movie caters to something that's pure dark comedy. It doesn't matter cause I still laughed. My favorite happens to be how the film joked about CompUSA, especially back in the days when buying a computer was a complete pain.
Make this movie known and spread the word! I truly recommend this film!
Since no animals were harmed in the making of this film, save on pet supplies at Canada Pet Care
© 2008-2019 written and reviewed personally by Kris Caballero.
& Robert Siegel
Director of Photography
Jon Gary Steele
Asche & Spencer
& Justine Baddeley
A Zucker/Netter Productions/
3 ARTS ENTERTAINMENT Production
Young American / Cock Puncher Daniel Chacon
Sensei Ken Takemoto
Cock Puncher Steven Seagal
Dennis McCormick Don McManus
Dolores McCormick Kate Fuglei
Roseanne McCormick Abigail Mavity
Dennis McCormick, Jr. Reid Weaver
Typical Neighbor Husband Brian Powell
Typical Neighbor Wife Adele Robbins
Sooty Firefighter Jason L. Miller
Sooty Child Brendon Baerg
Norm Archer Len Cariou
Dana Dobbs Larissa Laskin
Kip Kendall Scott Klace
Alzheimers Old Lady Barbara Pilavin
Alzheimers Guys in Crowd Sandy Kenyon / Sam Menning
Producers Orlando Seale / Erik Stolhanske
Melissa Cherry Sarah McElligott
Michael Bolton Michael Bolton
African Child Karl Montgomery, Jr.
Dibo Kwame Boateng
White Trash Dude Steven Kozlowski
Surgeon General Randy Oglesby
Fat Man Archie J. Howard
Smoker Howard Shur
Smoker Driver Todd Hanson
Bud Schwartz Arthur Kendall
Brunno Tucci Ira Gewant
Rolly Ingersoll Christopher Weeks
Skink Bradley Edward Ansara
Raggles Wimpole Murray Gershenz
Uncle Smackers Mousie Garner
Mavis De Haven Helen Geller
Kenneth Garber Richard Fancy
Nicholas Van Essen Bill Frenzer
Raymond Marcus Murphy Dunne
The Masses Alex Solowitz
Rapist Lisa Savannah Haske
Rapist Policeman Griffin M. Creech
Rapist Ivy Leaguer Daniel Dae Kim
Rapist Uncle Stefan Sacks
Rape Victim Julie Rebecca Lowman
Rape Game Woman Amy Davies
Steel Beam Construction Guy John Gibson Miller
Steel Beam Architect Jim Gleason
Dutch Dad Ben Braat
Peruvians Sal Lopez / Jay Montalvo
Arab Terrorist Bashar Rahal
Young Terrorist Russell Steinberg
Ahmed Ahmed Ahmed
Ahman Amir Talai
White Black Guy Bill Ryan Bosch
White Black Guy Jenny Leslie Duke
White Black Guy Tim Brendan Fletcher
White Black Guy Dan Todd Bosley
White Black Guy Policemen Mike Brainard / Dane Farwell
White Black Guy Judge Mary Boucher
White Black Guy Jury Foreman Chris Karwowski
Pentagon Generals Michael Harte / Charles Howerton
Pentagon Officer James Kayten
Landmine Salesman Sean Conroy
Landmine Boss Christopher Boyer
Recruitment Officer S.E. Perry
Line-Up Detective Michael J. Harney
Prisoners Alonzo Bodden / Gill Gayle
Prisoner Dad Robert Shampain
Girl Greeting Prisoner Jordan Lindsay Hamm
Kwame Roberts Tom Wright
James Nakatami Gedde Watanabe
Dashante Jackson Troy L. Collins
McSorley's Bartender Daniel Colembie
Upsatnding Black Man Marc Antonio Pritchett
Dave Kostman Jerry Giles
Peen-Out Guy John Viener
Library Penis Man Mike Loew
Penis Pal Glen David Chisum
Penis Ethnic Man Martin Morales
Penis Boy Micah Sauers
Penis Businessman Michael R. Dowell
Asian Businessman Ken Narasaki
Bates Computer Customer Clint Culp
Bates Computer Salesman Dirk Paul Scheer
Bates Computer Customer's Wife Maria Schneider
Bates Temp Dude Dustin Seavey
Bates Businessman Bill Dearth
Bates Delivery Man Z.G. Harris
Bates Manager James Michael Connor
Gil Bates Michael Delaney
Bryce Brand Nick Chinlund
Bryce's Manager Jim Rash
Porn Stars Angel Cassidy / Mia Crowe / Gauge
Brendan Laroux Kirk Ward
Studio Executive Eric Siegal
Cooking Show Host Jen Cohn
Cooking Show Chef Meredith Baxter
Wizards Gamers Charles Beil / Dan Benson / Adam Crosby
Wizards Proteus Jed Rees
Wizards Dragonmaster Greg Pitts
Hippie Diplomat Greg Cipes
Men In Suits William Duffy / Cory McAbee
Slovesevic Eugene Lazarev
Birajko Adam Gregor
Bank Gunman Terrence Flack
Second Bank Gunman Mō
Bank Customer Sarah Devincentis
Bank Liz Anne Michele Buffone
Bank Mr. Poniewicz Jim Ortlieb
Gay Guys Cory Nartatez / Savastion Padilla / Bruce Stevenson / Christopher Villa
Presidential Advisor Kenneth C. Rosier
Rodney Dangerfield Rodney Dangerfield
Subscription Card Man Ivan Klipstein
Little Girl Hanna Bluth
Mother Jennifer Saurenman
Cockpuncher Entourage Tanya Ballinger / Kamela Forbes / Neva Massey / Eleanor Mercado / Karen Miller / Rachelle Wood
Cameraman André Costa
God Bless America Dancers Destiny Lightsy / Michon Suyama
Melissa Cherry Video Dancers:
Vaitiare Au-Harehoe Brandy Lamkin
Kato Bonner Clifford McGhee
Allison Kyler Tomasina Parrott
Lollipop Love Dancers:
Adrian Armas Lucas Raynaud
Kevin Federline Dave Scott
Danté Harper Harry Shum, Jr.
Robert James Hoffman III
Stunt Coordinator Keith Adams
Michael Alvarado Paul Lane
Randall Archer Dan Lemieux
Daniel Arrias Rob Mars
Richard Burden Noon Orsatti
Jeff Cadiente Andrew Palmer
Eugene Collier Jeff Podgurski
Martez Covington Matt Rugetti
Jonathan Eusebio Spencer Sano
Jeffrey R. Evans Pavel Soukarev
Eddie Fernandez Ryan Staats
Dan Flannigan Ronn Surels
Charles Grisham Steve Upton
Jeff Imada Xuyen "Sam" Valdivia
Dennis Keiffer David Wald
Hubie Kerns, Jr. William Washington
Henry M. Kingi, Jr. Thom Williams
Hiro Koda Marcus Young
Unit Production Manager
First Assistant Director
William Paul Clark
Second Assistant Director
Marcei Brubaker Brown
Second Second Assistant Director
Kimberly L. Rach
Ronald R. Reiss
Cheryl A. Miller
First Assistant Accountant
Second Assistant Accountant
First Assistant Camera
Second Assistant Camera
Kia M. Dawson
Ronald L. Wright
William A. Taliaferro
William S. Maxwell III
James F. Husband
Michael R. Sunga
Talithia D. Miles
Todd Walla Walla
Assistant Property Masters
Craig A. Brink
Best Boy Electric
Micahel W. Lowrance
J. Steve Iriguchi
Best Boy Grip
Stacy M. Horn
Department Head Make-Up
Key Makeup Artist
Special Effects Make-Up
Department Head Hair
Key Hair Stylist
Additional Hair Stylist
Key Assistant Location Manager
Assistant Location Manager
Karen E. Gilbert
Art Department Coordinator
Special Effects Supervisor
Special Effects General Foreman
Special Effects Shop Foreman
Special Effects Artists
Gary A. Krakoff
Marco A. Campos
Sharleen "Charlie" Bright
Drue L. Powell
Gerald A. Vitatoe, Jr.
Robin E. Wyatt
Art Department Production Assistant
Assistant to Mr. Netter
Assistant to Mr. Miner
Assistant to Mr. Zucker
Assistant to Mr. Rotenberg
Assistant to Mr. Halloran
Herach Arzounian, RN
Extras Casting by
Erik Bright -
Eddie Michaels & Assoc.
Video Assist Operator
Angel De Santi
Animals Provided by
Post Production Supervisor
Bradley M. Goodman
Post Production Assistant
Sound Designer / Re-Recording Mixer
Dave John West
Supervising Sound Editor / Sound FX Editor
Post Production Sound Services By
Ares Enterprises, Inc.
Digital Dreams Sound
Wow & Flutter
ADR Supervisor / Dialogue Editor
ADR Editor / Dialogue Editor
Monkeyland Audio, Inc.
Foley Re-Recording Mixer
Christopher Briles, MPSE
Post Sound Coordinator
The Walkie Talkies
Scoring Recordists and Mixers
Ashe & Spencer
Tommy Barbarella Thomas Scott
Chris Beaty Thad Spencer
Ryan Dodge Janell Vircks
Greg Herzenach Richard Werbowenko
Beth Husnik Al Wolovitch
Preview Project Engineer
Post Production Services By
LaserPacific A KODAK Company
Camera Cranes and Dollies Provided By
J.L. Fisher &
Chapman / Leonard Studio Equipment, Inc.
Visual Effects Supervisor
Visual Effects By
Stargate Digital, Inc.
Design and Animation
Brand New School
Down On My Knees
Take Me From Behind
Shoot Your Love All Over Me
Written by Asche & Spencer
Performed by Lisa Marie Purth
Cameras and Lenses
American Humane Association monitored the animal action.
No animal was harmed in the making of this film. (AHA 01565)
MOTION PICTURE ASSOCIATION OF AMERICA®
Approved No. 40909
THIS PICTURE MADE UNDER THE JURISDICTION OF
Copyright © 2007 by Regency Entertainment (USA), Inc. in the U.S.
Copyright © 2007 by Monarchy Enterprises S.a.r.l. in the rest of the world.
All Rights Reserved.
Regency Entertainment (USA), Inc. and Monarchy Enterprises S.a.r.l.
are the authors of this motion picture for purposes of copyright and other laws.
REGENCY and Regency's "R" logo are registered trademarks of Monarchy Enterprises S.a.r.l.
The events, characters and firms depicted in this photoplay are fictitious.
Any similarity to actual persons, living or dead, or to actual events or firms is purely coincidental.